


You Belong On Camera, Baby

by partypaprika



Category: UnREAL (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2015-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-30 04:03:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5149571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/partypaprika/pseuds/partypaprika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam proposes to Anna on the last episode of the show after a romantic walk through the vineyards of the new Everlasting Spa and Retreat. Rachel and Jeremy manage to make it look like a magical, sun-kissed mecca of Napa, instead of the rat infested dump that it is. </p>
<p>Twenty-five million viewers tune in to Anna beautifully tearing up and saying yes before she passionately kisses Adam. There is plenty of tongue and it gets a 11.4 household rating from Nielsen nationally and picks up a 29.6 household rating in the Los Angeles market.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this in the middle of the season, so this diverges spectacularly from the mid-season point from canon. Initially posted at prettypaprika.tumblr.com

Adam proposes to Anna on the last episode of the show after a romantic walk through the vineyards of the new Everlasting Spa and Retreat. Rachel and Jeremy manage to make it look like a magical, sun-kissed mecca of Napa, instead of the rat infested dump that it is. 

Twenty-five million viewers tune in to Anna beautifully tearing up and saying yes before she passionately kisses Adam. There is plenty of tongue and it gets a 11.4 household rating from Nielsen nationally and picks up a 29.6 household rating in the Los Angeles market. 

Quinn is so pleased that she actually gives out compliments over the channel. But even as Quinn is waxing poetic and Rachel’s about to be up an additional 10k as soon as Adam finishes putting the engagement ring on Anna’s hand, Rachel feels almost outside of her body. Like all this is going on somewhere far away and all that Rachel can do is watch it. Bear witness to the fruits of Everlasting’s labor.

Adam looks at Rachel for a long moment after the kiss while Anna embraces him. For the first time since Rachel’s met Adam, he almost looks unsure of himself. If Rachel were someone else, she would try to interpret it, read into it. Maybe it means something, maybe it doesn’t. But Adam’s now engaged to Anna and there’s no use trying to figure it out. What’s done is done. 

Plus, Rachel’s fucked up enough things already. Anna’s actually a nice girl. Anna doesn’t deserve for the next thing that Rachel ruins to be Anna’s life. 

The engagement and concluding special should be the last that Rachel interacts with any of season thirteen’s cast. No one actually makes it to the wedding anymore. The last wedding that occurred was season seven (Melissa and Henrik, who, apparently, made it a whole year of marriage) but after season fourteen concludes (Jake, the doctor, picks Maria, the meteorologist), Quinn gets the call that the wedding is still on. 

In honor of the momentous occasion (and because Quinn’s convinced that the Cromwell family will bring mega-ratings) Rachel gets sent to London to try to convince Cromwell the senior to forgive his son. Or at least forgive his son enough to show up to his wedding. 

Rachel plays it up to Senior as Adam having done the show to get a blank slate. That Adam’s changed from the panty-dropping, hooker-using, spoiled rich kid. This new Adam is focused on his future, he respects his father but doesn’t know how to bridge the gap and that Adam’s finally matured into actual adulthood.

Rachel plays up the “success” of Everlasting Spa and Resort, which has been booked solid since the show ended. But the real coup de grâce, the one that sinks Senior, is when Rachel frames Adam’s and Senior’s relationship within the fractured relationship between Senior and his own father. And even though Rachel hasn’t slept in almost forty-eight hours and her throat hasn’t stopped tasting like dust since the proposal, Senior’s face crumples as he turns to the side and he nods once.

“We’ll be there,” he says quietly. 

The wedding is held at the Everlasting Spa and Resort (contractually obligated). When the crew arrives at the resort, Quinn takes Rachel aside and tells her that the show is dropping the charges. On the second day of filming, Rachel gets a $3,000 bonus for getting Adam’s mother to call Anna “that American whore” during a family brunch and then, three days later, another $5,000 bonus when she gets Adam’s ex-fiancée to show up at the bachelor party. It should be the best week of work that Rachel has ever had. 

There’s this sinking feeling in the bottom of her stomach like maybe Rachel is drowning, she’s going down like the Titanic, headed straight for the bottom of the Marianna Trench. All Rachel wants is something to hold onto, anything to grab tight, but with the dust in her mouth and water in her lungs, Rachel can’t even take a deep breath.

On the day of the ceremony, when Rachel comes in to check on outfits and give Adam and his groomsmen a five minute heads up, Adam and the groomsmen are shooting the shit about bachelor party hijinks and there’s an easy smile on Adam’s face. But when he takes one look at her, Adam’s face closes up. 

“Gentlemen,” Adam says, giving his groomsmen a small smile. “Can you give me a moment with my producer?” He pauses for a fraction of a second between the words “my” and “producer” and even though it’s so stupid, Rachel’s heart skips a beat. 

The men all file out, promising to bring back a round  of shots to be done before the ceremony. 

“So, this is it?” Adam says, once the door has closed behind Rachel.   
Rachel tries to give a reassuring smile, but her lips don’t appear to cooperate. Adam takes a step forward and slowly reaches one hand up to gently cup Rachel’s face. 

“I can’t decide if you talking to me on that first night was the best thing or worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” Adam says, his voice barely above a whisper.   
He leans in, his lips just barely touching Rachel’s. For one glorious moment, everything is finally quiet in Rachel’s head and there’s only her and Adam and the feeling of Adam kissing her as his hands cup her face. But then the door bangs open and both Adam and Rachel jump apart as Jay runs in. 

“Rachel—there’s an emergency!” He says. “Quinn’s been trying to get you over the comms.” Rachel reaches down and pulls up her comm. Sure enough Quinn is screaming. Rachel can’t look at Adam, it hurts too much, so she picks the easy path like she always does and dashes off, following Jay as he explains that Anna’s maid of honor took a muscle relaxant and can no longer walk. 

“Shit.” Rachel emphatically swears into the comm. “Someone switch out Carinne’s dress with Jenna’s. Tell Jenna she’s just been promoted.” 

Rachel risks a look back at Adam, but the door has already been closed behind her. 

Adam and Anna get married at 6:32 p.m. on the dot. Adam’s vows center around the concept of everlasting love (good one, Adam) and he looks at Rachel for a long moment in the middle of it. The second that the ceremony is over, Rachel clocks out. She’s made all the good soundbites happen—Shia and Jay have it from here. For once, Quinn lets Rachel have the moment and doesn’t put up a fight. 

“Be careful,” Quinn says quietly when Rachel tells her that she’s heading out. Rachel wants to rage back—tell Quinn to go fuck herself, that she was the one that put Rachel in this position to be in. Rachel wants to hit something, make a mess, make something look worse than how she feels on the inside right now. 

But maybe something’s finally stuck, because as tempting as it is, Rachel knows with certainty that even if she tore this studio apart, it wouldn’t fix what’s wrong with her. That’s what it is–there’s something wrong with Rachel, something unfixable and broken beyond repair. And if Rachel lets Adam become involved, then she bring him down too. For once in Rachel’s life, the collateral is too important for that to happen.

So instead of knocking over some expensive TVs and maybe fucking up some cameras, Rachel calls a cab and goes back to the hotel. When she gets back to her room, Rachel lies on the bed and stares up at the ceiling. “This year,” she promises herself. “I’m getting out of this hell.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hello, Rachel,” Adam says. “I hope I didn’t wake you.” 
> 
>  
> 
> It’s 4:23 in the morning. Of course he woke her up. “It’s 4:23 in the morning,” Rachel says. “What did you think was going to happen?”

A month after the wedding and a two weeks before production starts on season fifteen (Kevin, an attorney with the US Attorney General’s office who apparently has no common sense), Rachel gets a call in the middle of the night. 

  
That in and of itself is not unusual. She’s a producer on a reality tv show—it would be weird to actually get a full night of sleep without someone calling and demanding Rachel do something right this instant to fix some inane problem. 

  
But when Rachel picks up the phone, the voice on the other end isn’t Quinn or Jay or even Chet. “Hello, Rachel,” Adam says. “I hope I didn’t wake you.” 

  
It’s 4:23 in the morning. Of course he woke her up. “It’s 4:23 in the morning,” Rachel says. “What did you think was going to happen?”

  
“I figured that you did yoga or pilates or whatever it is that you Hollywood people do at the ungodly early hours of the morning.” 

  
Sometimes Rachel really hates this kid. “What do you want?”

“Where do you live?” Adam asks. 

  
Rachel actually sits up at the question and blinks her eyes fully open. What the what? “In Palms, why are you asking—”

  
“I’m right near you, what’s your address?” No one is ever near Palms, especially at 4:23 a.m.

“Why are you in Palms?” Rachel asks. 

“Funny story. Address?” 

Rachel groans but reels off the address. “Brilliant,” Adam says. “I’ll be there in fifteen to pick you up.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Rachel says, but it’s entirely to the beep beep beep indicating that Adam’s already hung up.

Rachel throws a t-shirt, jeans and a hoodie on and splashes some water on her face so that she feels marginally more awake. Rachel’s doubtful that it actually helps. But, she manages to make it outside her apartment building in fifteen minutes where Adam in waiting in a bright red Ferrari. 

When Rachel opens the door, Adam’s waiting for her, a smile on his face. Something inside of Rachel’s chest squeezes uncomfortably tight for a moment but Rachel ignores the twinge like she’s learned to ignore her conscience and gets into the car. 

Once Rachel sits down and closes the door behind her, she looks around the car and sighs. “I’d say you’re compensating for something, but the sad truth is that I know better.” 

Adam smiles at her, a second of genuine delight, before his face returns to its cultivated look of charming indifference. “Why, Rachel, are you meaning to say that you’ve violated my privacy and taken a peep? I didn’t know you cared.” 

Rachel refuses to dignify Adam with a response. But, she can’t help herself from giving Adam a small smile. “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, although I think you look even more like a homeless person than the last time that we saw each other.” 

“As always, you’re quite the charmer.” Adam mock preens, making Rachel laugh. “So where are we going?” 

Adam gives a little shrug. “Your choice.” 

Rachel rubs her face. “Let me understand this. You woke me up at four o’clock in the morning because you were nearby and wanted to hang out. But, you have no clue where we’re going?” 

“That’s about it.” Adam says, he’s watching her, an inquisitive look on his face. “I was hoping that your native Angeleno intelligence would pick up the slack.”

Rachel sighs. “Ok, pancakes, doughnuts or hamburgers?” 

Adam thinks about it for a moment before he settles on pancakes, so Rachel directs them down to an all-night diner near the Grove. Normally it’d be a thirty to forty minute drive from Palms over to the Grove, but there’s no one on the roads so they get there in under twenty minutes. They make light conversation along the way, both of them deliberately keeping to superficial topics before they lapse into silence, the sounds of the radio lulling Rachel into calm. She could almost be in the car with anyone instead of with the frequent star of Rachel’s late-night fantasies.

When they finally arrive at the parking lot for the LA Farmers Market, Rachel doesn’t want to get out of the car. She feels like they’re almost in a dream, that they could drive forever, just take the freeway up through the state and keep on going and Rachel could pretend that Adam is here for her, that she can finally pull herself together, that maybe they could have something together. But Adam’s already unbuckling his seat, so Rachel does the same and then leads Adam over to the entrance of Du-par’s. 

A tired looking waitress seats them in a corner booth and brings them some coffee before taking their orders. Once the waitress has left, Rachel decides to go in for the heavy hitting questions. 

“What are you doing here?” Rachel asks. “Shouldn’t you be up in Napa at your resort?”

Adam gives Rachel a half smile. “I think that it’s fine on its own for a few days. I do actually have a general manager and a working staff who are quite capable.” 

“Must be nice.” Rachel says, stirring some cream into her coffee. “So Los Angeles. Any special reason?”

“What if I said that I came just to visit you?” 

Rachel chuckles. “Well, if your goal was to have breakfast with a homeless looking woman in a dinner at five in the morning, then mission accomplished.” Adam looks at Rachel seriously, his jaw working for a second. Rachel wants to know what he has to say so badly, but she also doesn’t want to know at all. Schrödinger’s conversation. 

When Adam opens his mouth to speak, Rachel jumps in and switches tracks. If it were possible to hate herself a little bit more, she would. “So how’s Anna?”

“Oh she’s great, but…” Adam trails off. He gives a half shrug and shakes his head a little before he recollects his thoughts. “Her firm just promoted her to senior associate, which is fantastic. Anna says that she’s on track to make partner in two more years.”

“That’s great, really fantastic.” Rachel says. There’s an awkward pause where she’s not sure where to go from here and then Adam redirects the conversation back to the smoother sailing of the upcoming season of Everlasting.

Adam drives Rachel back to Palms after they both polish off their pancakes. Instead of just dropping her off, he manages to find a spot actually close to Rachel’s building and parks instead. 

“Rachel,” he says. Adam turns to face her and he looks serious—more serious than when he begged her to help with his investors, more serious than when he asked Anna to marry him, more serious than when he saw his father for the first time since the disinheritance. Rachel’s stomach drops. 

“Adam,” she says. 

“I really did come here to see you,” he says. Before Rachel can even process it, Adam leans over the center divider and reaches over to gently cup Rachel’s face. He kisses her gently at first and it feels so good, electricity humming through Rachel’s body, and Rachel can’t help but kiss back as Adam’s lips become more insistent, firm. 

They break apart after a minute, Rachel panting slightly. The thought that this is a terrible idea repeats on loop. 

“Do you want to come up?” Rachel says instead. 

Adam just looks at her for a minute and Rachel swallows. What the fuck is she doing here? Adam’s fucking married, for fuck’s sake, and she was the one who made it happen. 

Adam leans in and kisses her again slowly. When he pulls back, he looks just as uncertain as Rachel feels. “Yes,” he says. “Yes, I do.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Rachel even has the door to her apartment closed, Adam pushes her up against the wall, his arms bracketing Rachel on both sides. He watches her for a second and then leans in slowly, an agonizing wait.

The walk and elevator ride up to Rachel’s apartment is quiet. The sun has already risen, but it hasn’t broken through the marine layer, leaving everything bathed in a sunless gray that could be almost any time of day. Adam places his hand on the back of Rachel’s back and the warmth of Adam’s hand grounds Rachel, keeping her in the moment. 

Before Rachel even has the door to her apartment closed, Adam pushes her up against the wall, his arms bracketing Rachel on both sides. He watches her for a second and then leans in slowly, an agonizing wait. 

Adam keeps his eyes on Rachel on the entire time, stopping when he’s just a hair’s breath away. It feels like there’s no air in the room; Rachel’s lungs just stop working. Rachel wants to take a deep breath, but she’s frozen beneath Adam’s gaze, nervous for something to happen and scared of what will. 

And then Adam is kissing Rachel hungrily, his lips demanding against Rachel’s. Rachel finds herself clutching Adam’s arms, barely able to keep up. Adam’s everywhere, electricity strumming through Rachel’s blood. And Rachel wants more, lets her hands sneak under Adam’s shirt as the need to feel as much of Adam as possible becomes overwhelming. 

When they finally pull apart, Rachel manages a weak, “Well, now I know why you always get your way.”

Adam laughs in surprise. “Yes, now you know my incredible secret. I passionately kiss people until they give in.” 

“I always knew it.” 

Adam smiles and shakes his head. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that?”

Rachel feel irrationally giddy at the thought. Or maybe it’s still the aftereffects of the kiss. Kisses? Does it even matter? “Yeah?” 

“From the first time that I saw you—back when you convinced me to stay on that idiotic show because you guys were going to bring in malaria guy.” 

Rachel laughs. “I definitely remember that. You totally fell for it hook, line and sinker.” 

Adam bristles in mock outrage. “I did not! I definitely knew that you were bluffing. You were so dodgy about it too. ‘He solved…malaria.’ ” 

Rachel can’t help but laugh a little bit more. “Hey, it got the job done.” 

Adam gives her a look as he says, “Oh, I’ll show you getting the job done,’ and then he’s kissing Rachel again, his fingertips skimming under Rachel’s shirt as he grabs it, only pulling away when he lifts the shirt over Rachel’s head to take it off. 

Once Rachel’s shirt comes off, Adam redoubles his efforts, his hands running up and down Rachel’s sides, leaving goosebumps in their wake as he begins to kiss the side of Rachel’s neck. He focuses his attention right above Rachel’s collarbone. Rachel’s sure that it’s going to leave a mark, but it feels so good that she can’t bring herself to care. 

Somehow Rachel has the presence of mind to start directing the two of them towards her bedroom. They stop every few seconds, pressed up against the nearest hard surface and Rachel’s not sure who’s worse. When they finally make it into the bedroom, everything speeds up and suddenly they’re both naked and on top of her bed. Adam immediately cups Rachel’s breasts and begins teasing them with his tongue, causing Rachel’s eyes to flutter closed and a moan to escape her mouth. She can feel Adam’s smirk against her right breast and wants to make a snarky remark about smugness but she also doesn’t want him to stop what he’s doing. She decides valor is the better part of discretion.

Adam softly bites and licks Rachel’s nipples until they’re standing at full attention, until Rachel’s so aroused that she needs sex to happen now. 

“Condom.” She says, her voice cracking slightly when Adam bites down hard on the soft skin of her left breast. 

“Where?” Adam asks, his voice, like Rachel’s, is breathless.

If Rachel were her normal self, she would have made a joke about how she thought Adam was always prepared. Maybe even something about boy scouts. But if she doesn’t have Adam inside of her as soon as possible, she thinks that she might die of sexual frustration. So, instead, she motions towards her night table. “Top drawer.”  

Adam grabs a condom out of the drawer and puts it on. After the condom’s on, Adam looks up at Rachel again and leans up to kiss her. They’re both back to panting by the time that he pulls away. Adam gives Rachel a look, one eyebrow raised, and Rachel nods back. 

Adam pushes in carefully, which is something that Rachel appreciates. It’s been a while since she had sex that hasn’t featured batteries, so she savors the deep stretch and fullness from Adam’s cock. It feels so good, so satisfying and Rachel wants more. 

“Come on, I’m not going to break,” Rachel says.

Adam gives Rachel a wicked smile. “Is that a challenge?” And then he pushes in the rest of the way and starts actually moving, his hips beginning to drive back and forth. Rachel folds her legs around Adam and he leans back down to kiss her. 

After he pulls back from the kiss, Adam shifts his hands to Rachel’s waist to hold them in place while he starts fucking in earnest. The stretch, the fullness, the fact that Adam’s eyes never leave Rachel’s face, feels so good. She wants this moment to continue forever. 

Eventually, Adam’s movements start speeding up even more as he gets closer, so Rachel reaches a hand down and begins rubbing her clit, the sweet friction perfectly in time with Adam’s movements. 

Adam’s movements start becoming more erratic and he manages, “I’m going to come soon.” Rachel draws him down so that they’re kissing. “Rachel,” he says against her lips. “Rachel, Rachel.” 

Rachel kisses him back as hard as she can. “Adam,” she says back. And then Adam gives one hard, last thrust and he’s coming, his movements stuttering to a stop. 

Adam pants loudly against Rachel’s neck. “Oh my god, Rachel,” he says quietly. Rachel can’t help but smile. 

After a few more seconds, Adam reaches down and pulls himself out. He gets up and throws the condom away in the small trashcan in Rachel’s room before coming down and settling himself between Rachel’s legs. 

He looks up at Rachel from his vantage point. “I believe we have some unfinished business here.” 

Rachel quirks an eyebrow down at him. “Well, I know how you feel about business. Better get to it. Wouldn’t want to leave a bad impression on your name.” 

Adam throws Rachel a cheeky smile and then spreads open Rachel and leans down. He begins licking Rachel’s clit and fingering her. He begins gently, but Rachel’s already keyed up so she quickly begins urging more. Adam obliges, his tongue tracing out strong, unknown patterns against her clit. The stubble on Adam’s face feels deliciously good and it isn’t too long before Rachel manages a “yes, Adam, yes, yes,” and then she’s coming too. 

Adam crawls up to Rachel and kisses her. Rachel feels so perfectly languid and by unspoken mutual agreement, they get underneath the covers. Adam throws an arm around Rachel, hooking her in, and Rachel turns so that her head is up against Adam’s chest, her breasts snug against Adam’s chest. 

Rachel feels herself drifting off even as Adam’s hand begins to trace small patterns on Rachel’s back. Right before Rachel falls asleep, she has a moment of perfect clarity where she thinks, I love Adam. And then she immediately remembers that Adam is married, she arranged his marriage, she is now the other woman. 

The ever-present feeling of lead in her stomach returns, but Rachel pushes all of the questions away. That’s a question for future Rachel. Present Rachel is going to enjoy this moment for all that it’s worth. So Rachel leans up and places a small kiss on Adam’s lips. He’s half-asleep as well, but he kisses gently back and tightens his hold on her. With that decided, Rachel lets sleep overtake her. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are we friends?” Adam says. 
> 
> Rachel flashes back to when she’d asked Adam that same question; when he had been her only friend. Perhaps he’s still her only friend. God knows she doesn’t have people lining up to be in her life. So Rachel swallows back what she was going to say. “Yes.”

When Rachel wakes up next, she has a moment of disorientation at being spooned and an arm possessively holding her close. While she waits for her brain to get on track, Rachel squints at the sun streaming through the gaps in the blinds in a way that indicates that it’s at least late morning, if not the early afternoon. 

After a second, it all comes back, the phone call, the pancakes, the sex and Rachel freezes up. She just slept with a married man. Great—another atrocity to add to her list. Rachel would tally it up, just for completeness’ sake, but that became a doomed mission years ago. 

Rachel slowly looks back to confirm that Adam is still sleeping. He’s breathing deeply, his body relaxed, and Rachel wants nothing more than to close her eyes and fall back asleep in Adam’s arms.

But if she goes back to sleep, it’ll be that much harder when she wakes up next time. So, Rachel starts to slowly inch out of Adam’s arms. She manages to make it to the edge of the bed and is slowly sitting up when Adam opens his eyes and looks directly at her. Rachel freezes. 

Rachel sits up all the way. “I’m sorry…” she says. 

“Don’t,” Adam says, sitting up in one fluid motion. Impressively, his face stays neutral. 

“What?” Rachel says, automatically. Adam just gives her a look. “It’s just—Adam—”

“Are we friends?” Adam says. 

Rachel flashes back to when she’d asked Adam that same question; when he had been her only friend. Perhaps he’s still her only friend. God knows she doesn’t have people lining up to be in her life. So Rachel swallows back what she was going to say. “Yes.” 

“Then, can you be my friend for the next five minutes? And not whatever this is?” Adam gestures at the space between them. Rachel nods. 

Adam takes a deep breath. “There’s a girl—a woman—who I like a lot.” 

Rachel’s heart starts beating painfully, but Rachel doesn’t break eye contact as Adam continues. “I may feel something more than just attraction to her. Something resembling real emotion. I find myself doing all kinds of ridiculous things for her. As a matter of fact, I married another woman for this woman, which is pretty messed-up.

“The worst thing about it though is that I’m certain that she has the same feelings for me. But she won’t commit to how she feels. I used to think that she was scared to get hurt—maybe someone had really broken her heart in the past. But then I realized that her fear wasn’t about that at all. Instead, she doesn’t think that she deserves to be happy. And that also means that she doesn’t think that she deserves to be in a relationship that makes her happy.”

Rachel tries to breathe in around the lump in her chest, but it feels like she can’t drag enough air in to make her chest untighten. 

“I don’t know if there’s anything in her life that makes her happy. She continues to do a job that she hates. One that makes her feel like a monster every day. At this point, she has enough industry contacts to leave and do almost anything else. But she doesn’t. She surrounds herself with people that she doesn’t like who make her feel less and less human.” 

Adam pauses and looks away. Rachel feels pricks of tears at the edges of her eyes and tries to blink them away. “And I just don’t understand why. I want to make her happy. I would do almost anything to make her happy, but I can’t do anything if she won’t let herself be happy.” 

Embarrassingly, Rachel can feel tears start to run down her face. Adam turns back to face her and his face falls, all attempts at keeping a poker face gone. He says her name softly and then scoots toward Rachel, clearly telegraphing his movements. While Rachel just watches him, he brings up his hands and cups her face, gently wiping her tears. Rachel lets him pull her into a hug and she tentatively brings her hands up to wrap around his back, pulling him in tight. 

“Why can’t you let yourself be happy?” Adam says softly. 

“I don’t know,” Rachel says, partially into Adam’s neck. 

They stay like that for a long time, until Rachel speaks again. “Do you ever think that there are people who don’t deserve to be happy?” 

Adam pulls back a little and looks at Rachel until she finally looks up and makes eye contact. “Maybe.” He says. “But even if there are, you’re not one of them.”  
Rachel can’t think of anything to say. She can’t explain how she’s so tired of looking at the monster in the mirror, of wishing that she could be anyone but herself. So instead, Rachel kisses Adam softly and then lays her head against his chest. Adam slowly maneuvers them so that they’re lying on the bed. Neither of them says anything and eventually Rachel falls asleep. 

When Rachel wakes up, it’s night. She feels hallowed out as if someone has taken a melon scooper to her insides. Adam’s gone but there’s a piece of paper on his pillow. It says “Come find me when you’re ready. I’ll be waiting.”

***

That night, Rachel starts making phone calls. In the morning, she calls Quinn. “I’m leaving.” Rachel says simply. 

Quinn laughs and it’s an ugly choking noise. “Sure you are. You’ve said that a million times. How are the girls coming along?”

“No.” Rachel says. “No, no, no, no, no, no. I’m not doing it anymore.” She keeps saying no. At some point, it finally sinks in and then Quinn starts throwing every trick in the book at her. Quinn is the best in the business for a reason and she knows where all of Rachel’s soft spots are. 

Quinn first tries to sweeten the pot. When that doesn’t work, she goes for blackmail. Finally, Quinn breaks down as well. “I can’t do this without you,” Quinn says and there’s a hitch to her voice that Rachel knows isn’t fake.

“Quinn,” Rachel says, her voice hoarse and raw. “I’m leaving the show. If I don’t do it now, I’ll just be leaving it in a body bag.” 

Quinn doesn’t say anything. 

“Quinn, you can do this on your own. You always could. And for the better part of ten years, you were the closest thing that I had to a friend. So please, let me walk away.” Rachel says after the moment has stretched out.

Rachel hears a sharp intake of breath on the other side and she knows that Quinn is putting on her game face. “Fine,” Quinn says. “You’re off the hook. But don’t expect to be getting severance pay or anything like that. So, go and find yourself doing a documentary about starving kids in Mexico or whatever it is that you want.” 

Rachel tries to take a breath but it turns into a half sob. “Thank you, Quinn,” she says softly when she’s able to catch her breath. 

“I didn’t do anything, so don’t thank me,” Quinn says roughly. “Make sure to give Prince Charming a kiss from me when you see him.” She hangs up immediately. 

“Sure thing,” Rachel says quietly into the dead air.

***

Rachel may have burned a lot of bridges in the industry throughout her time on Everlasting, but apparently she still has a few remaining contacts that she hasn’t alienated or who are really desperate because she gets hired as a field producer for a documentary focusing on Teach for America that begins prep in two weeks. It’s not exactly following Syrian refugees, but Rachel was prepared to accept anything that was remotely related to documentaries, even if it meant going to Alaska for a year to film a nature documentary about bears or ice flows or whatever they have up in that god-forsaken place.

After she gets the job, she thinks about calling up Adam. She’s kept his note, folded up and pressed in the pages of her notebook. Rachel knows that Adam would happy, no, thrilled, that Rachel left the show, but she thinks about what Adam was asking. She’s not ready. 

***

Rachel goes to Baltimore for two weeks, then Chicago, New York, followed by LA, over to Houston and then the rotation begins all over again. 

Rachel is friendly with the other crew members, but she makes a promise to herself that she’s going to put a new foot forward. So she goes out with them every once in a while, but begs off most of the time. 

When she’s not busy conducting interviews, reviewing footage or talking with the producers, Rachel starts keeping a notebook about her experiences on Everlasting. She gave that show ten years of her life and the part of Rachel that is her mother’s daughter wants to dissect those ten years, see if she can figure out where she changed from a happy twenty-two year old with big dreams to an out-of-control and depressed thirty-two year old who had given up on everything. 

So, she writes down little stories—like what it was like working on the show during her first year, fresh out of school as a PA. Or what she learned to look for in the girls. Rachel writes about how she began to hallucinate one year because she hadn’t slept in five days. She writes about when her boyfriend, Jeff, broke up with her via text because Rachel hadn’t been home in eight weeks. 

Every once in a blue moon, the long-familiar feeling of heedless destructiveness kicks up from where it lays dormant. It takes all of her will power to say her goodnights to the team and go straight back to the hotel. But, Rachel manages to get her self-inflicted pain in anyways—on those nights, she googles Adam. Now that his divorce from Anna has gone through, there are always rumors about who he’s seeing. 

For a while after the divorce was finalized, the tabloids always had him with different girls, one of the members of Little Mix, followed by a fashion model, then a string of some young socialites. But after a few months, it changes, a fellow blue-blooded gallery owner, Christine Tollington, and Adam are photographed together repeatedly and the rumors become louder and more persistent. Sometimes Rachel gets so angry that she exits out of the page after the first paragraph and then has to restore the tab to finish reading it once she’s calmed down. And even though it would be easy to fire off a text to Adam, that’s not the first thing that she wants to say to him, so instead Rachel turns off her computer and lays there in the dark, savoring the memory of his arms around her the last time that she saw him.

By the time that they’re on the last round of filming as the school year wraps up, Rachel has worked up to writing about her last full season, the one with Adam. It’s a weird mixture of shame, catharsis and pain. Embarrassingly, there are some nights when she ends up crying instead of writing, especially when she gets to Mary. But, when she finishes it up, it feels good to have it out on paper, a permanent mark of her battleground and scars of war. 

After the last filming in Houston, the team goes back to LA. There will be some more follow-up interviews in the fall, probably, but, for the most part, Rachel’s job is completed. For the first time in a while, she’s proud of what she’s done and what her team has put together. Rachel’s even graduated to liking herself a few days out of the week, which she wouldn’t have thought possible a year ago. 

***

When Rachel gets home, the first thing that she does is sink into her bed that she misses so much. The second thing that she does is pull out her notebook and takes out Adam’s note. The page has become more than a little worn and creased, but Adam’s familiar handwriting is still there. Rachel takes a deep breath and dials Adam’s number. 

There’s the initial lapse of international dialing, but then the line begins ringing and Rachel feels the butterflies in her stomach kick it up a notch. Rachel feels vaguely like throwing up, but it’s too late to hang up the phone now, so she just grips her phone tightly and prays for voicemail. 

After what feels like the world’s longest ring, the line picks up. “Rachel?” Adam’s voice comes through. Just hearing Adam’s voice makes Rachel’s heart start to speed up pitifully and Rachel closes her eyes briefly at just how good hearing Adam’s voice is. 

“Hey Adam,” Rachel says. 

Both she and Adam start speaking at the same time, a jangling mix as they then stop and re-start until Adam says, “No, no, go first.” 

Rachel takes a deep breath and tries to think where to start. “Um,” she says, feeling out of her depth. Rachel’s mouth apparently decides to take charge because the next thing out of it is, “Are you dating Christine Tollington?” 

There’s a moment of silence and then Adam laughs, a real full laugh. “We haven’t spoken for the better part of a year and that’s the first thing that you say?” Adam says, but he sounds almost fond as he says it, taking all the sting of his words. 

“Well,” Rachel starts. “I didn’t intend to say that first, but I guess it came out and—”

“No,” Adam says, interrupting Rachel. “I am not seeing Christine Tollington, who is a lesbian by the way. I seem to attract them. But I am not seeing her or any person for that matter.” 

“Oh,” Rachel says. “Good, that’s good.” 

“Yeah, why is that?” Adam challenges. 

“So, um, I’ve had some time to think for the past few months,” Rachel says. “Actually, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I even ended up writing about the show.” 

“Yeah?” Adam says. “What did you write? Did you write about me and about how incredibly attractive I am and how I just swept everyone off their feet with my charms and good looks?”

“Yes, I wrote how incredibly arrogant you are and how you’re not even that handsome, and you’re definitely showing signs of premature balding.”

Adam laughs again. “Well, now I know that you’re just lying. My hair is perfect in its lusciousness and there is no history of male pattern baldness in my family.” 

“You got me,” Rachel says and then steels herself. “I wrote about how charming you are and how I’m so in love with you that it scares me sometimes. I wrote about how that show did so many horrible things and I was part of making that happen, but that good things happened too. And that you were the best of those things.”

There’s a long pause and then Adam quietly says, “Rachel,” his voice cracking slightly and Rachel wants to be there with Adam more than she’s wanted almost anything. She wants to see his face and feel his arms around her. She wants to sit next to him and hear his voice in her ears. She knows with certainty now.

“I’m ready,” Rachel says quietly. “I’m ready.”


End file.
